You Are Who You Are

Are you like your parents?  Of course you are.  Aside from the obvious of genetics, your parents are your first teachers.  You watch every move they make.  You mimic them in every situtation.  So it goes without saying that if your parents are shy, you’re going to be shy.  If they are outgoing then in all liklihood you’ll be outgoing.  Part of me believes this.  The other part of me wonders what went wrong with me.  Now, if you know me you’ll know that I’m outgoing.  My parents both were outgoing.  My father was quiet, but I think that was because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise.  My mother was extremely outgoing.  She never met a stranger.  My dad never did either but you didn’t know that because he never got a word in edgewise.

I am outgoing.  But there are times when I am as shy as a wallflower.  This doesn’t sound right to you?  Me either.  But honestly, if I’m in an unknown situation I turn as shy as anyone.  Seriously.

But could that be because of other reasons?  Could it be that I was bullied growing up?  Did life throw me some hard balls that have clobbered my confidence?  Have I gotten in over my head and lost my gumption?

Maybe.  Maybe not.  Research tells us that more than 50 percent of people in the United States are shy.  There are the extremes.  There are lots of people who live for parties, but just as many who want to be left alone.  I think we all are partiers who want to be left alone.  I think some of us are very comfortable in certain situations and very uncomfortable in others.  And it can switch in a  second.  I have been places where I felt that I didn’t belong and have the situation turn to where I felt completely comfortable within minutes.  It all depends on the dynamics of the situation.

But you have to get into those situations.  Because the more often you are out there, the more comfortable you can be.  I have a tendency to talk myself out of doing something, or going somewhere.  But once I’m there I’m so glad that I went.  Avoiding the situation can prove to be more anxious the next time around.  This is definitely a situation where practice makes perfect.

So what can you do?  How can you practice?  First, be patient.  You’re not going to be able to be perfect at first.  You’re going to have to notice small changes at the beginning.

Nothing is worse than being introduced to somebody new and you do something stupid like calling them by the wrong name or stumbling through a conversation.  I can remember in high school when I had an opportunity as a Freshman to talk with a Senior.  I admired this girl and wanted her to remember our exchange.  I called her Kathy.  She quickly informed me that I could call her Katherine or Kate or even Katie, but I could not call her Kathy.  I never approached her again.  But recently I met up with an acquaintance and I called her Charlotte.  She looked at me like “what”.  Fortunately, another friend was there and made light of it.  And then I had to confess that I was referring to her recently and had called her Charlotte.  I told her that I got that name in my head and it drove me crazy because that was the only name I could think of for her.  We all got a good laugh about it and as I walked away I made sure to call her by her correct name.  Thank goodness by that time I had remembered it.

But there are so many times that I get tongue-tied in new situations or I stumble through a conversation.  When I am removed from that situation I beat myself up.  It seems sometimes that the harder I try the worse I do.  Well, I have to give myself a break in those kind of situations.  And remember that the more comfortable I am the better I do.  Of course, there’s always those times when I say “I should have said this” or I come up with the best line, two or three days later.  I think we should be given the opportunity to communicate those to people we understand, sort of like #perfectcomeback or something like that.

There’s some belief that practicing improvisation will prepare you for this kind of conversation.  There are some who have even joined a improv group to put themselves in various situations to prepare for  awkward social situations.  One of the advantages of improv is that it teaches you to work your way through the awkwardness.  If you don’t feel comfortable, keep going.  Hopefully by the end of the conversation you’ll feel a part of the group and ready to go.

But you do need to work on eye contact.  I know, you don’t think you have a problem with this.  Yes, you do.  Everyone does.  In high school and college, I was involved with a public speaking group.  I thoroughly enjoyed this group.  But one habit that I developed that I wish I never did was I learned to look like I was looking people in the eye.  I didn’t.  I looked at their eyebrows.  That was close enough for me.  But people know when you are not looking at them.  We ended up going to a speech workshop one weekend while I was in college.  I went with a bunch of juniors and seniors.  I, again, was a Freshman.  They made me feel welcome.  But they all knew each other very well.  They hung together.   They knew who was dating whom.  They knew everything about each other.  I didn’t know anything about any of them.  In fact, I had a huge crush on one of the guys and then found out he was living with another member of our group.  I found this out that weekend.  So I really felt out of it.  And during a session on eye-contact, my partner was from a different school.  I couldn’t decide if I should look into both of her eyes at the same time or one at a time.  So I kept looking at one eye and then the other.  After the exercise was over she asked me if something was wrong.  I asked her why she thought that.  She told me that I kept shifting my eyes while I was doing the exercise.  I didn’t tell her I didn’t know how I should look in her eyes.  I broke down and told her I didn’t feel that I belonged with my group.  She gave me a big hug and told me I was going to be all right.

Eye contact is a window into another’s soul.  It should be used with respect.

You need to realize that you do have something to offer.  I don’t care who you are, you have something to offer a conversation, an event, or any other social situation.  You do.  You do because no one has had the exact same experiences that you have had throughout your life.  If you don’t have anything to talk about, realize that yes, you do.  You just haven’t found it yet.  I have a tendency to try to control the conversation.  I do that though because that’s the way my mother was.  She was a great listener and she was a wonderful conversationalist.  She was not a selfish conversationalist.  But she wasn’t going to let a conversation lag.  But sometimes I start a conversation that doesn’t need to be started.  It’s usually after those times when I want to kick myself in the rear.

For instance, I met a former colleague of mine that I hadn’t seen in several years.  It was a casual run-in but I hadn’t seen him in years.  We were in the grocery store, in the produce section.  He was picking up some bananas.  After we exchanged pleasantries I mentioned to him that I had recently baked a lot of banana bread because I wouldn’t let a bunch of bananas be wasted.  Now why did I do that?  I thought it was funny.  But it wasn’t.  It fell flat.  I could have found out how his kids were doing, any number of things but no, I had to tell him about baking banana bread.  Sometimes I just want to smack myself.

I have a tendency to do that when I’m talking with customers too.  Why in the world do I have to discuss the latest events with people who don’t care one minute what I think about the events of the world, or my life.  But I guess I should cut myself a break.  It seems that those are the people who tend to remember who I am when they need something I have to offer.

And if worse comes to worse, tell people you are uncomfortable.  You don’t have to say it accusingly or apologetically.  You can say it as a matter of fact.  People love to help others in social situations.  I went to a cocktail party with my daughter.  We were out of town, and with a group of people we had never met and would probably never meet again.  But I would not interact with any of those people.  I didn’t know them.  My daughter forced me to have a glass of wine and then she started interacting with others.  In no time at all, I was holding an intense conversation with a small group about my new business.  It was pretty funny that my daughter couldn’t believe that I was uncomfortable in this setting.

I guess the point is that even the best of us are uncomfortable and shy at some points.  I guess it would help to realize that everyone we are standing there talking with got up out of bed this morning and put their pants on one leg at a time.  If we can remember that we are all human then social and business situations make it easier to put a smile on your face and offer your hand in greeting.