We all have those relationships, don’t we. We fall in love, we marry, we have children, we raise them the best we can, all along just drudging our way through. If we’re lucky, by the time the children are grown, we are still friendly enough that we can rekindle our relationship and continue life as a married couple. At least that’s what you hope for.
Life gets in the way though. The bank account and the mortgage. Fixing dinner, or not fixing dinner and having to decide what to feed the brood. Homework and good grades and bad grades and all of those extra-curricula activities have to get done. We finally got out of the soccer fields only to be involved in more activities with each child. Who’s going to take who to what. Just the scheduling wears you out. Oh and the stress of the job. You know that never hits anyone at the same time. You can’t say, I’m going to schedule a stressful day next Tuesday, so you need to have one too, or not. It seems that someone is always stressed. What about your extra-curricula activities? If and when you get to blog or go bowling or meet up with friends to go out to dinner. When was the last time you took the time to do that? Anymore you don’t even need a babysitter, do you?
But because it’s important, you make up your mind to communicate more. You need to say things that don’t have anything to do with taking out the trash, or buying dog food. You need to use those 4-letter words that you never seem to say anymore: I CARE about you or I LOVE you or I NEED you. These words are so important to say but who has time? And where’s your motiviation to use them? We’re not Academy Award actors but some of us do need motivation. And what will our partner think? I’ll tell you what they’ll think. They’ll think we want something. They think we’ll want them to cook dinner a week from Thursday because you would really like to go wine tasting with your colleagues.
You look for the situation to be the best it can be so that you can use these words. You need to be able to say them but you also have the need to hear them. You look for situations. Bedtime is not the time. You’re worn out, and burnt out. Even if you did nothing all day, there are days that you are just fried and having a heart-to-heart conversation at bedtime is not going to get it done. First thing in the morning is not really condusive to this type of conversation. While the kids are at school would be good but you’ll be at work. Maybe you could meet up at lunch and just work on you two. But lunch time is usually the only time you can run errands. It would take some serious planning to get to the point that either of you could carve out 45 minutes to an hour. And at the last minute you need to run and get a sick kid and run him to the doctor or run him home so you can get back to work. Because while you’re out you need to run by and get him some 7-Up and saltines. Just face it, timing is difficult. And the older your kids get the harder it is to get 5 minutes to yourself.
Sometimes all you need is to express yourself to your partner and let them know you need some alone time. I always love that. We attended a marriage seminar and her recommendation was to get a candle. If the candle was lit it was an invitation. Either partner could light it. On the way home from the seminar we stopped and got an expensive candle and both agreed that was the perfect way to work in our household. The first time it was lit, it worked. We were able to spend some quality time together and we agreed that it was a good way to stay close. But it never worked again. You ask why? The kids kept blowing it out before the other one knew that it had even been lit. The kids don’t like to leave a candle burning and from the time one of us goes to bed until the other one does, the kids thought it had been burning too long.
We tried other things. I went out and bought lace nightgowns. If I was wearing one of those it was an invitation. If he was the one who was inviting then he laid it out on the bed. Those things itch. I know, that’s a woose excuse but a true one indeed. If I had a glass of wine for dinner then that was an invitation. If he got me a glass of wine then that was an invitation. It worked once or twice but not consistently.
To his defense I know that he has made some efforts on his own. I love to take baths. And we have a large bathtub that we both can fit in. There are lots of times that I get in the tub, with a tall glass of water and a good book and here he will come. I don’t see my significant other climbing in with me to spend some quality time with me. I see someone who is interrupting my reading and going to splash water on me. And too many times the kids have banged on the door asking when we are going to get out of our only bathroom.
I’m not saying that it’s a losing battle, although there are times I think it is. What I am saying is that sometimes you just have to say, “if you’re going to go to sleep, expect to be woken up” or flat out “I love you, I need you to love me too.”
You have to learn early on that it’s important to connect. And even though there is so much that can interrupt that connection, you have to keep looking for those opportunities, and make your desires known.
And go tell him that you love him.
I agree it’s hard to make time. If I had a candle, though, I’d keep it in the bedroom. If I had a husband who poured me a glass of wine or saw me pour my own glass, all I would need is a kiss to make me feel wanted and satisfied. If the vagaries of everyday life interfered with love-making, I’d just imagine how much sweeter it would be when it next came around. The only thing that really matters is this: that once each day I get to embrace him with our loving arms caressing each other in a way that says “make no mistake” (And who cares if the kids see this? They need to. They hear arguments too, don’t they?) and that we each utter the words “I love you” and mean it.