On This Day Oh Beautiful Mother

I became a mother when I was 26 years old. I had been desperate for a child for 5 years as I struggled with infertility and month after month of grief. The day I became a mother my life changed. It would take me years to realize in how many ways.

I spent the next 34 years parenting children. I’m not done yet. I have always believed that as a parent it is my responsibility to raise my children to adulthood and then set them free. You know, the old saying, “there are only two things we can give our children; one is roots and the other wings”. I believe that and that’s the way that I have raised mine. As my younger children are leaving the nest it becomes harder and harder.

I always thought caring and providing for my children was the hard part. I remember staying up all night long with my first born because he would projectile vomit every ounce of breastmilk I fed him. It turned out he had pyloric stenosis and had to have surgery at 5 weeks. Yeah, explain that to a new mother after she has waited 5 years for this child. I remember trying out every type of baby food and then kid food to see if I could get him to eat anything besides cereal and cheese sticks. I can remember watching him watch me and realize that this kid didn’t really like me very much. I can remember buying him every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle I could afford just so he would smile for a minute. I remember watching for any sign of distress when his father and I separated and then divorced. (I think he liked that one, he got to spend a lot more time with Grandma who was the love of his life). I remember worrying more about what he ate at school than what he learned at school. I do remember when his 5th grade math teacher called me at night to teach me the algebra she was trying to teach him so that I could help him in school. I remember signing him up for t-ball and he had no use for it after the first practice but we had to keep going because his daddy had volunteered to coach. I remember watching him run up and down the driveway while he was playing outside, wondering what in the world he was playing and what in the world was he thinking. I remember when he got older and he took the stamina of running up and down the driveway and parlayed it to a soccer field and found something that finally made him smile, and keep smiling. I remember when he would let the men I was dating know, in no uncertain terms, that he didn’t like them by usually kicking them in the shins or something. I was so proud that I picked up on that and realized that these men were not for me and my kids. I was really proud when he didn’t do any of that to Jimmy. I do remember worrying about him moving to the farm, and being a part of that life. He made sure everyone knew that he wasn’t from Fancy Farm, he was from Louisville. He was not a farmer and had no intention to be. I do remember that he and Jimmy would fight up one side and down the other and I would get so worked up about that. It was only years later that I came to realize that they enjoyed this squabbling. I wished I had known this then. It would have saved a lot of heartache. I remember passing a car on the side of the road one night, pretty late, and wondering if that was his car. When I got home and found out that it was I nearly had a stroke that he had walked home all that way because he didn’t know what else to do. I remember going back with him to change that tire. I remember not having a clue what his grades were like until his senior year in high school and worrying myself to death until he got them up so that he could be admitted to Western Kentucky University, all by himself. I remember worrying all the time that he was in that big town without me and didn’t feel like he needed me anymore. I remember when I asked him about it and he said that he did miss me but if it got too bad he would just turn on Roseanne and after 30 minutes his homesickness went away. I remember when he called me with his first coaching opportunity and talking to me about a couple of girls that he dated. I remember worrying to death about his roommate because that kept changing and I knew that what he probably needed was a private room, but we couldn’t afford that. And I remember being as pleased as punch when he graduated from WKU with a degree in Social Studies and education in 9 semesters. That last semester was student teaching. This he did while being a full-time head coach for Warren East High School. I thought that was the hard part.

When Jay’s sister came along I worried about her from about the time I was 6 months pregnant. I worried about carrying her to term which they didn’t think I would do. I worried about my failing marriage and how would I provide for these two children. I worried about where we were living and where I was working and all those things a newly-single mother worries about. I didn’t worry about this girl too much. She was born a wise woman. She kept me in line. But there was still the parenting. How was I going to get her to school when I didn’t have a car? How was I going to feed these two when I lost my job? What in the world was I going to do? When we moved to western Kentucky I didn’t have those kind of worries anymore but I worried about taking them away from their father. He was still in their life, anytime they were out of school they were with him but they weren’t influenced by him daily or weekly, sometimes monthly. And when they went to spend the summer with him I worried about how they were being taken care of and where they were living. About the time I quit worrying about them they would come home. So other worries would begin again. I worried about this sassy little girl who said what she thought the minute she thought it. In fact, she would tell you what I thought too sometimes. I worried about her in school but not as much as her brother. Even though she was not the smartest one in her class, she was pretty smart and I never worried about her grades. I didn’t worry about sports with her either because she also fell in love with soccer and played all through school. But I did worry about introducing her to the man that I would marry and what her thoughts were about that. She was fine with it. It was great to her. She didn’t mind moving to the farm. She came to love the farm so much. But as outgoing as she was she never had a whole lot of friends come over. I think that had to do with the fact that she had a baby sister and brother. But she would help out around the farm and was very involved in every single extra-curricular activity anyone had. I thought that was the hard part.

When Jimmy and I married we discussed having children. I didn’t think I was finished having children. Jimmy didn’t care either way. So we agreed to let God make the decisions and we would handle whatever happened. I had Katie when Carilynn was 10 which would have made Jay 13. I worried so much about Katie. I knew that she would be put on a pedestal because she was Daddy’s girl. But other than Jay and Carilynn she did not have a support system that was right there. She was doted on, and spoiled, but as she grew there were many things expected of her. Katie was very smart so I never had to worry about her grades. She liked t-ball and softball and she got to be pretty good at them. She played basketball some, and did well at that. But she was not very interested in soccer so she wasn’t running up and down the fields. There was a time when her class size was very small and it because obvious that she needed a new group of friends so we moved her from a small Catholic school to the public school in our community. She excelled there. And when she went to high school she became involved in lots of extra-curricular activities too so she was always running here and there. I didn’t have to worry about her fitting in. Everybody knew Katie and everybody loved Katie. There were some kids who made fun of her but I always told her to not let that bother her because they were just jealous of her (channeling my mother there). I knew that she had some issues but to meet her on the street you would never know it. And when she got involved in church I just felt all kinds of blessings there. But I still worried about her, and I continued to pray for her and her brother and sister. I thought that was the hard part.

Maybe this is a good place to say that I had two miscarriages. I had an unconfirmed miscarriage while I was trying to get pregnant with Jay. It was my own fault. I worked at a medical facility and they tested my blood for me which said that I was pregnant. The mistake was that I went to my mother’s gynecologist who hadn’t delivered a baby in like 40 years. He didn’t believe in ultrasounds. He didn’t believe in anything but that blood test. And that blood test said I was pregnant so there I was. I went through 4 months of miserable back pain and regular bleeding. He told me not to worry about it because it wouldn’t be too long and we would be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat and some women were just that way. How I wish that I had gone to another doctor. After the 4th month I went in with severe back pain and excessive bleeding. He examined me and said that I was not pregnant and never had been. I was devastated. That week they took my blood at work again and it still showed that I was pregnant. I couldn’t figure it out. But about a week later I got in the bathtub to soak for my back hurting so bad and I passed something. I wish that I had saved it but I didn’t. I just let it go down the drain. I wish I had saved it. It could have been proof that I was pregnant and that I could get pregnant. But I didn’t. I have regretted that happening ever since. And I pray for that baby. When Katie was 6 months old I got pregnant again. I knew that could happen but didn’t expect it. I knew that having two babies that close together was going to be hard but we’d be all right. I was about 4 months pregnant when I started bleeding. I ended up having to have surgery. I begged the doctor to tie my tubes, that I was done having babies. Katie had been a blessing and we didn’t have to have any more. The doctor told me she would be glad to do that but I had had narcotic pain killers and I was not in my right mind. She told me that they would schedule that procedure after I recovered from this. I thank God for the wisdom of that woman every day because when I went back to the doctor for my 6 week checkup I was pregnant with John. I would have regretted not having at least one more child if the doctor had gone through with keeping me from having any more children. I pray for those lost babies all the time. I thought that was the hard part.

But having John was truly a joy in my life. I was older. I was stable. I was in a stable marriage. And this little boy, who was born to be here, he was my crowning jewel. I used to say that he was born to be a priest. I knew that he would grow up to be a priest. He was named after my mother’s best friend, Fr. John Dickman, and I told Fr. Dickman that I would do whatever I could to raise him to love the church and to want to share his love for the church. I knew that I couldn’t influence him through the years to be a priest. I was realistic, after all. I have discovered with all of my children that if I suggest they do something they will immediately do the complete opposite. I think all kids are like that. Anymore, I just hope that John shares his love for the church and raises his children in the church, and maybe one of them will be called into a religious vocation or the priesthood. But that has always been my prayer for this son. He is an extremely intelligent kid, but he sees no use in studying, or doing the work of school, so I have had to pay close attention to his grades. It seems though that he always pulls them out, when I least expect it. With this being his senior year in high school, I have taken a different approach and given it to him to accomplish. And I think this is the hard part.

A mother can’t do it all. And that’s the point that I need to make.

A parent must give their children roots, and wings. I am a firm believer that if you haven’t gotten them raised by the time they’re 18 then they won’t be raised at 40. John will be 18 in June, so theoretically I will be finished. And my children have taken their wings and have soared. Jay married the love of his life and they have begun their family and careers in Louisville, 3 1/2 hours away. Carilynn married the milk man (a dairy farmer), they have begun their family and careers and they are 4 hours away in Henry County, Kentucky. Katie is a sophomore at the University of Kentucky, studying Ag Education. She is 5 hours away. John is talking about going to technical school in Florida or Nashville so he’ll either be 2 hours away or 10 hours away.

And my job will be finished in June, right? You would think so. But if Jay is having a bad day or an issue that he needs to bounce off of somebody I will hear from him. If life is getting him down I will hear from him. Since he and Brittany lost their first born, Lucy, there have been many conversations. I remember one time in particular that I was having a hard time about Lucy and Jay told me that I had to buck up because I was his parent and he needed me to be there for him. I have since tried to be a lot better, especially when I think they will need me. Carilynn calls me about the boys being sick or if there are issues around the farm or with her career. She recently got laid off from her job so she has ventured out on her own. I worry about her so much but know that this is something she will have to do for herself. I wish that I could move to Lexington to be with Katie. I wish I could have been sitting in the passenger seat when she was on her way home and had a fender bender last year. I wish I could have been with her today when her tire went flat and basically fell off of the rim. At least she would have been warm in my car while we waited for the tow truck. And I know that there will be plenty of days that John will call me just to bounce something off of me or to tell me that he met someone new or maybe that he misses me. He wasn’t raised on Roseanne. I learned my lesson on that one. So he just might miss me. Even though I deem my children raised at 18 that doesn’t mean that I discontinue my motherhood. In fact, in a lot of ways my motherhood goes to the next level, if there is such a thing. Maybe they call me and check with me is more that they want affirmation that they are on the right track. I can buy that. And I’m good with affirmation. The hard part is when I see that they are in pain and I can’t get to them in 15 or 20 minutes. I can’t get in my car and make it all right. And trying to make it right over 200 miles away is not always easy.

So when Katie called me today and had a flat tire and mini-meltdown that caused my major meltdown, I did what I knew to do. I went to the bathtub, that place of peace and wisdom and solace, and I prayed. I prayed to the Holy Spirit to get right up there and wrap my girl in His arms and make sure she knew that she was loved. And I prayed to the Blessed Mother, the woman of wisdom, who I get all my wisdom from. She told me that it was all right. She told me that Katie was going to be all right and that Jay and Carilynn and even John and his teenage ‘tude were going to be all right. And then she put her arms around me and told me that I was going to be all right. She reminded me that it was hard to let them go and to become the people they are supposed to be. But maybe I was having my major meltdown because I could not help Katie the way she needed help. All I could do was to support them in the choices they are making and offer them tidbits of wisdom here and there. But maybe I was melting down because they were leading the lives that they have chosen for themselves. And if they were happy in their lives then there wasn’t anything I needed to do. I had done all that I could. And maybe it was time for me to become the person I was supposed to be, these 34 years later. She smiled at me when she said that.

So, today, right now, I really wish that I could sing “On this day, oh beautiful mother . . . . ” I wish that I could praise Mary for being there for me, for caring for me, and my children, her children. But I can’t because I sound like mother who couldn’t sing a note. Ha!