I’m sorry to admit that I have begun that phase of my life where I am channeling my Aunt Bonnie. I thought I would introduce you to the woman.
Aunt Bonnie was actually my mother’s aunt. She was my grandmother’s older sister. My grandmother was the youngest of 5 girls and a boy. Her oldest sister was quite a bit older than she was. I think Aunt Bonnie was the third in line. The whole family is nothing but a bunch of characters and when I find time I will tell all of their stories.
Aunt Bonnie photobombing this picture of Fr. Joe Hayden.
Anyway, Aunt Bonnie was old. My whole life my aunt was old, as she should be. And she was loud and opinionated. And she could be rude and crude. Everyone loved her, and everyone hated her. But that was the case with all the sisters so that’s just the way it was.
Aunt Bonnie had been born Louise Heil. But she married Bonnie Bronger and when they divorced she kept both of his names. They had one son, Robert. Aunt Bonnie idolized him. He was pretty wild and ended up being killed in a motorcycle accident, something that just broke her heart. That’s about the time I started paying attention to her.
The story goes after she divorced Bonnie Bronger she remarried Leo Schutz. You see how I spelled that? It’s Schutz, not Schultz. There was no “L” in his name. She married Uncle Doc (as we called him) when he was being drafted into World War I. She married him because she was sure he would get killed in the war and she would be able to draw his widow’s pension for the rest of her life. She was gravely disappointed that he survived the war and came home to his bride. So she divorced him. They lived together the rest of their lives.
Aunt Bonnie was a gambler. I’m sure she had a job, all of my grandmother’s sisters had jobs, at some time in their lives, but I don’t have a clue what she did. Uncle Doc was a dental lab technician. He made dentures for my grandfather, the dentist. He had a shop in the upstairs of his garage. He was not licensed so he kept a low profile. I guess if anyone asked they would just say that my grandfather had made the dentures. So maybe Aunt Bonnie didn’t have to work. I do remember Uncle Doc giving her money to go to the race track or to the bingo.
I loved to gamble. I wasn’t that good at it and I wasn’t that lucky but I loved to play. Honestly, as a kid I was better at reading the program to Aunt Bonnie or helping her to watch her bingo cards than in figuring out who to bet on at the races. Aunt Bonnie was legally blind. She didn’t drive but I don’t know if that was because she was legally blind or if that was because back then not everybody drove. She really couldn’t see very well. I’m sure it didn’t help that she had a glass eye.
A what, you ask? A glass eye. Sometimes she would pull it out if her eye socket and clean it. That was gross if you ask me. She wore glasses too but all of the family did. I don’t know what happened to her eye that she lost it but she had a big old glass eye, about the size of a large marble in that hole in her head.
I remember one time while I was in high school I took Aunt Bonnie to Louisville Downs. This was the harness racing track. Serious sportsmen didn’t bet on the trotters, as these horses were called. But Aunt Bonnie loved to gamble and if I took her she would give me money to bet. And I loved to play. So we were out at Louisville Downs one night and I always bet on numbers. My family always bet names or numbers. It didn’t matter how great the horses were, we were going to bet names or numbers. Well, that night I was betting numbers. I was betting the Exacta, which is picking the winner and runner up in each race. I was betting 2 and 4. I would box them so if the 2 won I would collect or if the 4 won I would collect. Every race those numbers did not come in, until about the 7th race. The thing about that race was that it was the first half of the Big L. The Big L was picking the winner and runner up in back-to-back races. So on the first half of the Big L my horses came in. I was to take my ticket back to the window and tell them what my bet was for the second half. Oh, I was nervous. The Big L paid big money. Aunt Bonnie and I got serious. We watched the tote board. We read the program. We picked up a discarded racing form and we analyzed the best bet for the second race. We were bound and determined to win. So, we made our selection and I went up to the ticket window and traded my winning ticket for a chance at the second half of the Big L. We bet on the favorites. I should tell you now that if I don’t bet on 2 and 4, I will bet on 1 and 7. But we didn’t do that. We played it safe and bet on the favorites. While we were waiting on the race to go off Aunt Bonnie was telling me that when we won she would go to collect the money because she was on social security and they wouldn’t take any taxes out on her. If I won they would take taxes out. So we paced and we talked nervously while we were waiting on that race to go off. And then it did. And I will tell you that the favorites did not come in. One and seven won that race and payed $10,000. I was literally sick to my stomach.
Speaking of sick to your stomach Aunt Bonnie always had something wrong with hers. She always had you take her to the drug store on the corner and run in to get her some Kaopectate or Pepto Bismol, and usually a carton of cigarettes. Aunt Bonnie would guzzle that bottle of Pepto and then burp really loud. It still makes me sick thinking about it. She was a chain smoker and even if you told her not to smoke in your car she would do it and flick her ashes on the floor. The reason I have decided I am channeling her is that when she needed to pass gas she would lift her leg and let it rip. I may have done that a time or two in my life. And my family will immediately start calling me Aunt Bonnie.
When I came home from college I really didn’t have anything to do. I didn’t have a job and I didn’t have any money. Aunt Bonnie would call my mom and ask if I would take her to the bingo. Uncle Doc would pay my way but I would have to split with him if I won. Since I didn’t have a life I would do it. I very seldom had to split because I very seldom won but I always enjoyed playing. I got to where I would take Aunt Bonnie to the bingo on Sunday afternoon. We always sat with this one lady and her daughter and we always had a good time with them. They were very nice, a lot of fun and were really nice to Aunt Bonnie even if she was not always nice to them.
One Sunday they were talking about a wedding coming up in their family. It seemed that a cousin was getting married and Aunt Bonnie was very good friends with the bride’s mother. She told me that I should go because there were a couple of young men that I could scope out while I was there. Two of the men just happened to be my bingo buddy’s sons. I didn’t really want to go but they were giving me a hard way to go so I agreed. I kept telling them that they didn’t want me to start dating anyone because then I would give up playing bingo. They told me that would never happen. I went to the wedding, met one of the sons and the rest is history, so to speak. We started dating right away and 6 months later we got married. I’ll never forget one Sunday I went to bingo even though I had other things to do and Aunt Bonnie said “so does he have your puss in his pocket yet?” And I turned 87 shades of red. I vehemently said “No!” And got really quiet. Aunt Bonnie looked at me after a little while and asked if I had given him my picture, that’s what she was asking. In another time a puss was your face, or a photograph. I then was embarrassed that I didn’t know that.
Aunt Bonnie died two weeks after my mother. She was in her 80’s. She died of lung cancer. Mom died of lung cancer two weeks before her 50th birthday. We used to beg her to quit smoking and she would say “well, we’ve all got to die of something”. One thing I came to realize is that it’s better to die of something when you’re in your 80’s than when you’re in your 40’s. I miss Aunt Bonnie a lot but the older I get the more she seems to show up. But I promise you this, you will never see my guzzle Pepto Bismol.