Several years ago my brother-in-law died. He was only 48 years old. He was as healthy as a horse, or so we thought. But he dropped dead. We were a devastated. One of the things we commented on was that we had not even had a chance to tell him how much we loved him or to say goodbye. From that point on we made a vow that we were going to tell each other how much we loved each other.
Now it seemed that my sisters-in-law and nieces were best at this. Every time you talked with them on the phone or went to leave they would give you a quick hug and tell you that they “loved ya”. I hated it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love them. I truly love them with a my heart. But I’ve never been a “touchy-feely” kind of person and I wasn’t ready to start now. I would let them hug me and I would give the comment lip service but I didn’t think they needed to tell me that they loved me or to hug me to prove it. I knew they loved me, just as I knew that I loved them. I didn’t feel that they needed to tell me or that I needed to tell them. If they couldn’t tell that I loved them then this relationship was absolutely one-sided.
But then one day I came to realize that they needed that. Even though I didn’t think that I needed it, I came to realize that they needed it. So I became more receptive to them telling me and hugging me. And even though I knew that they did love me I let them tell me because I knew that it made them feel better. I knew that they felt that if I dropped dead that they would have done everything in their power to have loved me every day of their life. I knew that. And I was okay with them telling me because I knew it was for them and not for me.
And then one day I realized that I enjoyed their quick hugs and spoken emotion. I realized that it made me feel good, just as I knew that it made them feel good. And it was then that I felt that I needed to repeat their mantra back to them. So I started to do that. And it did feel good.
I’m not a touchy-feely person. Anyone who knows me will laugh if you asked them. They will tell you stories of where I would bend down and back myself into a corner rather than accept a hug. They will also tell you that I am more prone to kiss your cheek than to touch you or allow you to touch me. You can stand back for a kiss, you have to get really close to hug. I just don’t like people in my space.
I don’t know when all of this changed. It could have been with the death of my brother-in-law. It could have been that my children moved away and since I didn’t get a chance to see them every day I would take advantage of any chance I had to see them. It could be some new people entered my life who are touchy-feely and I didn’t want to insult them by backing into a corner and cringing when they came at me with a hug. But I sort of liked it, and I didn’t resist it like I once did.
Of course there are still the people who take it to extremes. I still don’t like it when people I have just met decide that they want to hug me when they go to leave. I don’t repel this display of affection but there are just times that I think it is too much. There are still people who get into my face, I still resist their affection. I mean, some people you can give an inch and they’ll take a bear hug.
But I have come to appreciate those whom I truly love in a physical form of that love. I have come to appreciate their affection towards me. I want them to know that I do love them and if the only way they see that is if I let them hug me, and hug them back, well then bring it on. But I will warn you, I’m still not going to hug people I don’t like. Oh wait, now you’re going to think that if I don’t hug you I don’t like you. That’s not necessarily true.
Oh, this is so complicated. I wish I could just go back to throwing my hand up and saying “I’m not a hugger”. Life, and love are so complicated. I guess it depends on what kind of mood you catch me in.