For a couple of months I made the comment about how much I hated my life. Now, don’t get in a tizzy, I love my life. But there are aspects of my life I was beginning to hate. I hated that I wasn’t being as healthy as I needed to be. I was beginning to really not like the things I was doing to make a living. Some of my relationships needed some work. But overall, and in general, I have been happy with my life for a long time. I think the reason I felt I was beginning to hate my life was more out of frustration than anything else. I know what I need to do to be healthy. I was giving myself all kinds of excuses why I wasn’t exercising and why I wasn’t eating right. I was really beginning to feel frustration in the work that I was doing. It seemed I was doing a lot of busy work and wasn’t able to do the parts of my job that I truly loved. I was trying to please everyone in my life so I was beginning to feel that my relationships were one-sided.
I said a lot of prayers. For weeks at the Rosary I had a special intention. I didn’t know what the intention looked like, I just needed some help. And because I sort of quit trying so hard to make it work, things fell into line. I was offered a new job that is taking advantage of my talents. I wasn’t looking. I did ask. But it’s not like I was beating the bushes. And that opportunity fell in my lap which lightened up my load quite a bit. Additionally, I went to a women’s retreat that I wasn’t planning on attending. I was asked to participate somewhat in the retreat and the next thing I know I am telling the keynote speaker that I wanted to write for her organization and yes, I wanted to be involved in ways that they could use me. I didn’t have to ask, she asked me. If that’s not what I prayed for then, I don’t know what I prayed for.
The reading from Luke this morning at Mass was about being a disciple for Christ. It pretty much outlined what you had to do in order to be a true disciple. This word keeps appearing in things that I listen to and things that I read. I’ll tell you there have been more than one time I have felt called (even if I feel that I am not worthy). But today Jesus said “If anyone comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Boom. I got the word.
I could never say that I hated any member of my family. But I could say that I could turn away from them all in order to follow Jesus. In fact, in the twilight of my days maybe that is what I am venturing into. My new job will require me to leave home and go develop business. Honestly, I look forward to it. I look forward to spending some time with myself, and with God. But I also look forward to spending some one-on-one time with those who choose to travel with me. I plan on taking my husband from time to time, and my sister. Honestly, I plan on taking anyone who gets in the car with me. If they don’t want to go, that’s alright. I’ve got plenty of things to figure out and hopefully will be able to develop some business for my new employer.
There are those who think I’m crazy for pursuing this new life. I truly think that God chose this for me in order to use my talents to the best of my ability. Maybe he thought I needed to get away from my life to be able to love my life a lot more. And maybe the love that I bring home with me will be the love of Christ. Maybe this will give me a whole lot more love to spread around.